Monday, September 8, 2014

Movie Review: Spiders

Spiders (2013)
Netflix streaming
Rating:  1/5

After a long time away, I'm back!  Admittedly, I have not chosen a strong movie on which to return.  I was in the mood for a horrorible movie tonight, so I went with Spiders.  From the look of the cover, I was expecting giant spiders to be swarming the city and eating tanks with general large scale destruction.  At first, I actually thought that it might live up to my horrorible expectations.

Spiders seems to have a strong start with a bunch of spiders crawling around a space station and space debris crashing into a subway station.  Initially, the acting wasn't horrible.  Certainly not Oscar-worthy or anything, but not the worst that I had seen in bad movies.  However, the acting quickly went downhill.  After about 2 minutes, I felt like I was watching a middle school play.  The acting was flat and all of the lines (exposition to terror) were delivered with the same intonation and intensity.

The bad acting would have been excusable if there had been more action, but even that was flat.  The first giant spider doesn't show up until at least 30 minutes in - and the entire movie is only 90 minutes.  For a movie like this, there should be about 10 minutes of setting up the plot, 60 minutes of exploding monsters, and 10 minutes of wrapping up any loose ends.  Instead, Spiders spends a lot of time trying to set up a plot filled with a shifty scientist and military trying to hide the fact that the scientist knows what the spiders are and where they came from.  I don't want a plot...I want giant spiders destroying a city!  The worst part about the plot is that it had absolutely no impact on the outcome!

About halfway through, they stop trying to have a plot and get to more of giant spiders fighting military.  Sounds exciting, right?!!?  Nope.  All of the "action" scenes are basically just the same shot of military shooting at spiders in the street, nothing happening to the spiders, and then spiders boringly eating people.  The only part that approached entertainment was the fact that the spiders growled like drunk jungle cats.

As you can probably assume, my recommendation is to pass.  I love horrorible movies.  And I can usually go into a bad movie with low expectations and still enjoy it for it's ridiculousness.  Unfortunately, Spiders stayed in the "bad movie" category and failed to reach the "so bad, it's good!" level.  It's a movie about giant spiders from space, and I was bored.

Be sure to check back soon for more reviews!  In the meantime, leave comments on this review (or any other) review, follow me here and on twitter (@GargyleReviews), and let me know what movies and shows you'd like for me to review in the future!