Halloween Movie Month: Curse of the Swamp Creatue

Curse of the Swamp Creature (1966)

not rated

Curse of the Swamp Creature is about a mad scientist performing experiments on people in an attempt to create a more evolved creature to do his bidding.  The doctor also has a swimming pool full of alligators where he disposes of the failed experimental creatures.

If the brief synopsis and cover picture are not telling enough, this is an absolutely terrible movie.  But, the question is "what kind of terrible is it?"  Is it the kind of terrible that is almost painful to watch?  Is it the kind of terrible that is so bad it's good?  Is it the kind of terrible that you have such low expectations that you actually end up being pleasantly surprised by it?

From the very beginning, Curse of the Swamp Creature is pretty fantastically terrible.  There is incredibly cheesy acting, poor video quality, minor voodoo subplot, loose plot, loose transitions, and skinny mad scientist with a deep "ominous" voice.  However, because all of this terribleness is captured in the mid 60s, there is something endearing about it.  Each decade has it's own brand of terrible movies, but there is just something about late 60s/early 70s terrible movies that just makes them so much more fun than recent terrible movies.

While there is the endearing aspect of 60s B-movies, that is not the final verdict.  This movie is called Curse of the Swamp Creature, but until the very end of the movie, you really only ever see the hand of the creature (with good reason...that costume is comically terrible).  Even the dead, rejected experiments are thrown into the gator pit wrapped in a white sheet so that you do not see them.  If there had been more cheesy horror, it might have been worth multiple viewings.  But, as it is, this movie feels like it is all set-up without any payoff.  There is a sense that this movie would be more on the horror side, as opposed to the sci-fi side of things, but there are still a lot of classic sci-fi aspects.  This movie is somewhere between horror and sci-fi, but without ever really fitting into either.  There are some movies that are able to walk that balance in a way that breaks down genre walls.  However, this is not one of those movies.  

Rating and Recommendation:  1.5/5.  Curse of the Swamp Creature started out with an abundance of (terrible) potential, but it never really went anywhere.  There is over an hour of act one and then about 15 minutes total of acts two through five.  For the general audience, this one is a definite pass.  However, there is a caveat.  I watched a lot of Mystery Science Theater 3000 growing up, so I have a fondness for terrible movies.  There is something that can be a lot of fun about terrible movies, especially when watching with friends with whom you can joke throughout the movie.  So, if you are like me and enjoy riffing movies, then this one is worth adding to a riff list.  Definitely not worth spending money on - but you can find the entire movie (at the time of this review, at least) on YouTube.

Be sure to check back soon for more reviews in Halloween Movie Month!  In the meantime, leave comments on this (or any other) review, follow me here and on twitter (@GargyleReviews), and let me know what movies you'd like for me to review for Halloween Movie Month!

- The Gargyle

Halloween Movie Month: Proteus

Proteus (1995)
R

Proteus is about a group of drug smugglers who board an oil rig after their yacht explodes.  Once on the oil rig, they discover that it is a secret base of horrifying experiments.

Proteus is a terrible B-movie and that is made abundantly clear within the first 3 minutes.  Terrible acting.  Horrible sound mixing.  Plot holes.  Scenes jump around without segue or explanation.  Characters know how to do things without any logical explanation for their knowledge.  There are scenes that are obviously rip-offs of other movies (specifically, the mess-hall scene from Alien).  Inconsistent physics of when/how people get hurt.  Pretty much all of the things that you would expect from a crappy monster B-movie from the mid-90s.  The movie is so bad that it is almost funny enough on its own.  Almost.  But, it is primarily the kind of movie that you need to watch with friends so that you can riff it.

Outside of the ridiculous factor, it's actually not a completely horrible movie.  Obviously, there are so many things that make it atrocious.  However, at its core, it's a fun little monster movie on a remote island - in this case, the island just happens to be an oil rig.  It's just hard to get past all of the faults and truly enjoy it as a good movie.  All of that being said, if you can get past some of the initial things that make this movie hard to watch, it starts just being ridiculous in a fun way.  One of my favorite lines from the movie:  "maybe after you blew it up it crawled into the ventilation system and died."  My other favorite line:  "you're a f***ing fish with a drug habit!"

Rating and Recommendation:  2/5.  Taking everything into account, it actually ended up being a better B-movie, sci-fi, monster flick than what I initially expected.  You just have to get past the horrible (horrible) first half.  I think that it works best as riffing fodder, but there are times when it is enjoyable in it's own right.  Not worth buying.  Not especially worth seeking out.  But, if you are with friends and one of them suggests you watch it, it won't be the worst decision of your life.  Just make sure that they are ok with jokes being made during the movie.


Be sure to check back soon for more reviews in Halloween Movie Month!  In the meantime, leave comments on this (or any other) review, follow me here and on twitter (@GargyleReviews), and let me know what movies you'd like for me to review for Halloween Movie Month!



- The Gargyle

Halloween Movie Month: WolfCop

WolfCop (2014)
not rated
Netflix instant

WolfCop is about a deadbeat, alcoholic cop who is turned into a werewolf who goes up against the forces of evil.  Because, of course he does.

Looking at the cover of WolfCop, and the fact that the name of the freaking movie is WolfCop, I expected things to be absolutely ridiculous and fun all the way through.  With a name like WolfCop, how could there even be a thought of something serious??  When the werewolf cop finally takes on the persona of WolfCop and gets into the action, the movie was a lot of fun to watch!  Unfortunately, it takes about half the movie until it finally gets to a point where I'm having fun.

There were many shortcomings in WolfCop that kept it from being fun right from the start.  Rather than a smart wink and a not to stereotypes of sci-fi, action, supernatural, etc. movies, this feels more like it was written by someone who has never actually seen a movie with the stereotypes they are based on.  There is cursing at weird moments, feeling more like they are throwing it in just to have cursing.  The dialogue is absolutely terrible (that's not really a surprise though).  Any explanation at a plot is so blunt and straightforward without any nuance - it is just lazy writing.  There isn't really any character growth.  There are unexplained character changes, like the uptight brunette who always has her hair up and glasses on who all of a sudden is "cool" with her hair down and glasses off, but no real growth or development.  There were attempts to have twists and surprises, but there were no surprises or big reveals in the actual plot - it was all pretty much what you can guess in the first five minutes.

Of all of these shortcomings, the biggest one was that there was too much time spent on trying to develop a plot, but no real effort to actually develop it well.  A movie like this needs to be just all ridiculous action all the time.  If there is not going to be a well-developed story that makes me care about the characters, then don't slow down the ridiculous action with a pointless story.  They could have easily spent 10 minutes setting up the story and then the next hour with WolfCop doing crazy WolfCop things.

As much as I hated the first half of the movie, the second half was an absolute blast!  The dialogue went from annoyingly inane to enjoyably ridiculous.  The scenes of WolfCop taking out the bad guys did not hold much back or leave much to the imagination.  There is a sex scene while WolfCop is still Wolf..Cop.  The second half of the movie was everything that I expected the entire movie to be.

Rating and Recommendation:  3/5, primarily because of the second half of the movie.  Overall, WolfCop wasn't terrible.  In fact, it was a lot of fun once it got to the fun.  However, any attempt at a story was incredibly weak and the "story" was the biggest thing slowing down the fun.  It needed to either be all ridiculous, or actually well-developed.  The movie itself was just like the main character.  While there is an attempt at a story, it is disappointing and generally a chore to be around.  However, once it changes over to WolfCop, break out the liquor and the donuts, cause it's a party!  Overall, I enjoyed it enough to watch it again.  However, any repeated viewings will start about halfway through, when all of the fun starts.  And that's my recommendation.  Start the movie at 34:35.  That will give you enough explanation as to what has happened and what is going to happen in the movie.  If you just want to watch from when the fun starts, start at 39:46 (right before he changes into WolfCop).

Side note:  There is a store in the movie called "liquor donuts."  Only in Canada...


Be sure to check back soon for more reviews in Halloween Movie Month!  In the meantime, leave comments on this (or any other) review, follow me here and on twitter (@GargyleReviews), and let me know what movies you'd like for me to review for Halloween Movie Month!



- The Gargyle

Halloween Movie Month: Frogs

Frogs (1972)
PG

Frogs is about a freelance photographer (Sam Elliot) doing a photojournalism piece on pollution of a lake.  In the middle of the lake is the island estate of a disabled millionaire, who cares little for nature and is the source of most of the pollution.  In the days leading up to the millionaire's birthday celebration, the animals start taking revenge for the destruction of nature.

Aside from the overwhelmingly blunt message of "if you pollute, you are evil!!", this movie actually had a decent amount of heart.  Maybe it's because it was a small cast and just about everyone (except for Sam Elliot) was family.  Since it takes place in the day leading up to the millionaire's birthday, you get to see some of the family interactions, allowing for more of an opportunity to sympathize with (or just despise) them.

Even though seeing the family in a variety of situations allows you to form a closer connection with them, that also works against the movie.  I get that the family is using too much pesticides and has been killing too many animals (some through dumping of chemicals and some through hunting for sport), but the family is never really shown as being quite evil enough.  Things are shown too quickly, in terms of the actual plot of the animals taking revenge.  Rather than actually showing the family do some of the terrible things, the audience is just told about them.  The only reason that the audience knows that these people are the antagonists is because we are told that they have been too bad to the environment.  While most of the family "deserves" what they have coming to them (again, based primarily on the audience being told that the family deserves it, rather than showing their more heinous acts), there is one old woman who does not seem like she is doing any damage other than just enjoying catching butterflies - and she has probably the most torturous death of the entire movie.

While the family is an ambiguous and underdeveloped antagonist (yes, even though the millionaire grandfather is the primary antagonist, the entire family has played some part in the destruction of the environment), Sam Elliot is very clearly the protagonist and I think that he is a major factor in giving the movie heart.  Sam Elliot (probably most notably known for his role as Virgil Earp in Tombstone, though he has an extensive resume) plays the same good-hearted cowboy (though, this time without the hat) that he plays so well.  He was one of my favorite things about the movie and his acting kept the movie from straying too far into the horribly cheesy territory.  My biggest complaint about his performance is that he did not have a mustache.  This is the first time that I have ever seen him without a mustache, and it was weird.

Rating and Recommendation:  2/5.  Frogs was fairly standard cult, B-movie fare.  There was some good:  some things about it were endearingly tropey and/or cheesy, Sam Elliot proves that his cool, collected, cowboy persona were cultivated at an early age, and there is a message with heart (that is overwhelmingly hitting you over the head).  There was some bad:  we are told how we are supposed to feel about the characters rather than being shown actual evidence, too much footage is used setting the physical setting rather than the emotional tone, and even though the movie is called frogs, they are never actually shown doing any of the killing.  But there wasn't anything especially amazing about the good that makes it a must see, nor was there anything especially terrible that makes it an instant pass.  It was enjoyable enough and I would be willing to watch it again, but I also won't lose sleep at night if I was told that I would never be able to see it again.  If someone took the time to re-edit the movie and cut out a lot of the pointless B-roll of frogs and only show scenes that actually show us anything about the characters, I think that it would actually make a pretty interesting and enjoyable episode of something like Twilight Zone or Outer Limits.  But, as it is, Frogs falls short and lands itself in "pass" territory.


Be sure to check back soon for more reviews in Halloween Movie Month!  In the meantime, leave comments on this (or any other) review, follow me here and on twitter (@GargyleReviews), and let me know what movies you'd like for me to review for Halloween Movie Month!



- The Gargyle

Halloween Movie Month: Ghoulies go to College

Ghoulies go to College (a.k.a. Ghoulies III) (1991)
R

The ancient toilet demons return, this time brought to life by a college dean.  Of course, the ghoulies are brought back during college prank week, so all of their shenanigans are believed to be the result of campus fraternities.

I have not seen the first two Ghoulies movies, so I have nothing to compare this one to.  However, I do know that it is about demonic creatures that come from the toilet, so I had a decent idea of what I was getting myself into.  However, just because I knew what I was getting into, that does not necessarily mean that I enjoyed it.

There really isn't much to say about Ghoulies go to College.  The entire movie is a schlocky, pun-filled, early 90s college movie with slapstick humor, sound effects that are worse than a cartoon, swearing, nudity, and cheesy acting.  The Ghoulies movies came out around the same time as Critters and Gremlins, with the sequels all coming out around the same time as well.  I really enjoy Critters  and Gremlins, so I was hoping that Ghoulies would be just as fun.  Instead, it feels like someone said "I want a Gremlins knock-off, but with none of the heart.  And poop jokes.  More poop jokes.  Nope...still more poop jokes."

Rating and Recommendation:  1.5/5.  Ghoulies go to College was pretty stupid, but with just enough bits to where I can see how some people would consider it a cult film.  Since I hadn't seen the first two Ghoulies movies, I did not have any sort of connection to, or fondness of, the characters.  Maybe if I had seen them when I was younger and all the "cool" jokes were poop jokes, I might have enjoyed it more.  As it is, I think that it could be a lot of fun for watching a really stupid movie with some friends, but other than that you can easily pass this one without really missing anything. 


Be sure to check back soon for more reviews in Halloween Movie Month!  In the meantime, leave comments on this (or any other) review, follow me here and on twitter (@GargyleReviews), and let me know what movies you'd like for me to review for Halloween Movie Month!



- The Gargyle

Movie Review: Spiders

Spiders (2013)
Netflix streaming
Rating:  1/5

After a long time away, I'm back!  Admittedly, I have not chosen a strong movie on which to return.  I was in the mood for a horrorible movie tonight, so I went with Spiders.  From the look of the cover, I was expecting giant spiders to be swarming the city and eating tanks with general large scale destruction.  At first, I actually thought that it might live up to my horrorible expectations.

Spiders seems to have a strong start with a bunch of spiders crawling around a space station and space debris crashing into a subway station.  Initially, the acting wasn't horrible.  Certainly not Oscar-worthy or anything, but not the worst that I had seen in bad movies.  However, the acting quickly went downhill.  After about 2 minutes, I felt like I was watching a middle school play.  The acting was flat and all of the lines (exposition to terror) were delivered with the same intonation and intensity.

The bad acting would have been excusable if there had been more action, but even that was flat.  The first giant spider doesn't show up until at least 30 minutes in - and the entire movie is only 90 minutes.  For a movie like this, there should be about 10 minutes of setting up the plot, 60 minutes of exploding monsters, and 10 minutes of wrapping up any loose ends.  Instead, Spiders spends a lot of time trying to set up a plot filled with a shifty scientist and military trying to hide the fact that the scientist knows what the spiders are and where they came from.  I don't want a plot...I want giant spiders destroying a city!  The worst part about the plot is that it had absolutely no impact on the outcome!

About halfway through, they stop trying to have a plot and get to more of giant spiders fighting military.  Sounds exciting, right?!!?  Nope.  All of the "action" scenes are basically just the same shot of military shooting at spiders in the street, nothing happening to the spiders, and then spiders boringly eating people.  The only part that approached entertainment was the fact that the spiders growled like drunk jungle cats.

As you can probably assume, my recommendation is to pass.  I love horrorible movies.  And I can usually go into a bad movie with low expectations and still enjoy it for it's ridiculousness.  Unfortunately, Spiders stayed in the "bad movie" category and failed to reach the "so bad, it's good!" level.  It's a movie about giant spiders from space, and I was bored.



Be sure to check back soon for more reviews!  In the meantime, leave comments on this review (or any other) review, follow me here and on twitter (@GargyleReviews), and let me know what movies and shows you'd like for me to review in the future!

-GR